I finally have reached 2 Years of HRT. I don't have much planned for this blog post as this is all very last minute, but I wanted to do a self reflection of my identity and a small thanks at the end. This does go into some serious topics, so please read with caution.
I realised I was trans exactly on 01/01/2022, I was talking with a friend about enjoying looking like a woman and acting like one. However, given my perceptions of gender affirming surgery at the time, which was created with scare tactics by dishonest or misinformed people, I felt being trans was not for me, until on that day a friend just straight told me that I am allowed to be trans without needing the surgery.
This isn't to say I don't have bottom dysphoria, but I felt comfortable with being trans now that I knew I didn't need to go through expensive and life changing surgery. But with this said, I definitely saw the signs beforehand. I gained body dysmorphia in 2017 and then developed an eating disorder in 2020. The results I wanted through weightloss were inherently feminine features.
This all ended up with me creating an Instagram page to look for, in reflection, affirmations for my femininity that I ultimately desired. This process was insanely unhealthy for my mental health as I was targeted sexually as a minor and eventually did leave this account and looked towards healthier ways of expressing my identity.
As I said, I realised I was trans on 01/01/2022, however it took me till 01/11/2023 to get onto HRT, under half of that time I was on the waiting list for endocrinology and going through their assessments.
I want people to realise that if you know you are trans, you need to start this process as soon as you can, remember that HRT/transitioning is just a second puberty. It takes a long time and you can't wait till you are 100% ready, by the point that you feel 100% ready but on HRT many of the changes of HRT would have barely started. Therefore even if you are confident that you are not trans, these changes that HRT would have caused are very miniscule and reversible.
In 2024 and 2025 my mental health unfortunately took a nose dive once again because my eating disorder came back, I lost about 40 kilograms in 7 months, this was caused because of an internalised idea of what femininity was to me, in reflection trying to be petit or skinny is an outdated fatphobic idea created by a patriarchy bent on oppressing women.
Since early 2025, I have been relatively happy with how I appear. A lot of my focus has been on making my body more feminine through healthy weight loss, fat redistribution, and muscle growth. This has been working in my favour and I can't wait to talk about it in a year! There is still work to be done like with makeup and hair removal and many other things, but it is all within comfortable control.
I firstly want to thank Nettle, as my longest running trans friend she has been somebody I look up to as a role model and a reality check early on in my transition. You should also donate to her givealittle to get gender affirming care.
I want to thank Jess, for being somebody who has always supported me and cares about me more than anybody else does, she also has made me feel more confident in how I appear which has helped in being more comfortable in my body. I hope even as life goes on we stay in contact and stay close.
I also want to thank Ruby for helping me through some of my darkest times and sticking with me even when things were really rough. I also thank you for making me feel better about how I perceive myself, I think I would be much less confident without you.
I thank my parents for being supportive for my transition, I grew resilient to live without them but I am happy that I never needed to do that and continue to love them a lot. Also shoutout to my Iwi for being supportive as well, I could not be more proud of being a part of Ngāti Porou.
And finally Caoimhe, I think he is the most important person I have ever had in my life. Without him I would still be living with my parents, without him I would be repressing my trans identity for much longer. If I never befriended him at uni in 2022, I would not be here today.
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